I’ve been rereading The Alchemist, which is either overhyped fluff or a work of great wisdom, depending on who you ask. Personally, I think wisdom can be gleaned almost anywhere :) One parable in it sticks with me: a boy seeks the wisest of wise men to ask him for the secret to happiness.
The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.
‘Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something,’ said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. ‘As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill.’
The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.
‘Well,’ asked the wise man, ‘did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?’
The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
‘Then go back and observe the marvels of my world,’ said the wise man. ‘You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house.’
Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.
‘But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?’ asked the wise man.
Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.
‘Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you,’ said the wisest of wise men. ‘The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon.’
The other day Mandy and I were talking about how much progress we’ve made in our own mental health and life journeys over the last couple of years. Sometimes we can see it and point to something we do or say that we wouldn’t have been able to in the past. But sometimes we’re just caught up in the minutiae of the day and that broader perspective is hard to find.
Mandy confided in me that sometimes when she’s so caught up in life, taking 10 hours to input everyone into the next session, or taking care of the family, the house, and the chickens, or maybe trying to take care of herself with therapy and accupuncture, that she can easily blow off what an accomplishment owning her own studio is. Someone can even say to her, “You must be so proud of what you’ve created!” and she’ll nod and smile, while inside it’s just another item crossed off her to-do list. But sometimes she is in the right frame of mind to be like, “Heck, yeah! I did that! Eleven years owning a studio with a staff of ten!” She’s able to expand her focus and look at the bigger picture of her life.
Do you ever get hyper-focused and have a hard time seeing the bigger picture? I know I struggle with getting caught up in my head with all the things going wrong and losing sight of the good around me. The trick, according to the wisest of wise men, is to look after our ongoing tasks and responsibilities, to value the treasures in our daily lives, without losing the ability to observe the beauty and wonder in everything else around us.
Part of this ability comes from emotional or spiritual work we do. Sharing authentically with each other and with trusted people in our lives allows us to zoom out from our perceived flaws and see the bigger picture. As Brené Brown says in The Gifts of Imperfection:
Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling. We think to ourselves, I’m the only one with a muffin-top? Am I the only one with a family who is messy, loud, and out of control? Am I the only one not having sex 4.3 times per week (with a Calvin Klein model)? Something is wrong with me. I am alone. When we zoom out, we start to see a completely different picture. We see many people in the same struggle. Rather than thinking, I’m the only one, we start thinking, I can’t believe it! You too? I’m normal? I thought it was just me! Once we start to see the big picture, we are better able to reality-check our shame triggers and the messages and expectations that we’re never good enough.
This practice of critical awareness and reality-checking is very helpful, though there are some actions we can take on a more physical level too (I’ll talk more about that in the next blog). One bridge to both the emotional and physical self is self-compassion work as described by Dr. Kristin Neff. She defines self-compassion as having 3 components:
- Self-kindness: an active feeling of soothing warmth and kindness toward ourselves during difficult times (like we would a friend) instead of being judgemental and hard on ourselves.
- Common humanity: realizing we’re not alone in whatever is causing us pain instead of feeling alone and isolated.
- Mindfulness: learning to observe our thoughts and feelings with a little distance and without judgment instead of being swept away by them.
For me, (and according to Neff, for many of her workshop participants) the common humanity piece has been incredibly helpful. When we get stuck in our ego and feel like we’re alone with our suffering, we are cutting ourselves off. This false sense of isolation mimics the evolutionary fear of being cut off from the herd, from our group, which creates a physiological feeling of danger. This in turn makes the pain of what is already bothering us even worse. Self-compassion helps us remember that this is the human experience. It’s painful, but it’s natural.
Practicing self-compassion is a learned skill, but it does take practice. Neff offers free self-compassion meditations on her website as well as loving-kindness meditations and more on the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion website.
I hope you’ll take some time to practice widening that zoom lens with me.
