Happy

I’m tired. 

Winter is long for me. And though I’ve done a LOT of personal work and have gotten to my core issues so I can name what’s causing me pain and grief, the truth is that I don’t really care right now. I just need a little slow down, a moment to say I’m here at a busy time in life with a new job and competing responsibilities, that I’m tired of performing, of being what I’m “supposed” to be.

I just need to be present. To acknowledge my need for a breath and allow myself to have it.

And just like we encourage everyone to show up at Pilates in Holland as their authentic selves, with whatever is happening in their bodies and lives, I’m showing up to this blog as a human who needs a little break. I vulnerably remind myself and you that we don’t need to be anything for anyone else; I can just be me and be enough. As theologian Henri Nouwen says:

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” … [My dark side says,] I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”

Being deeply and unconditionally loved, chosen, and valued for me, for my soul, is enough. And I am incredibly blessed to have people in my life who do love me that way. I need to choose to love myself the same. This life is a gift, right here, right now. I choose to be present and see it.

I’ll leave you with a beautiful anecdote from our family visit over the holidays. We have a 17-month old great-niece who is cute as a button: curious, lively, talkative, and quite content. She and her 5-year-old sister were the primary source of entertainment during our visit. But during moments when this precocious toddler was sitting on the floor playing, she’d occasionally look up at everyone around her and announce, “Happy!” and go back to playing.

A happy baby Renee. :)

That was all. She just wanted us to know she was happy right at that very moment. It made me a little teary. How beautiful that she is so happy. How beautiful that she recognized it and shared her joy with all of us around her.

May we all take inspiration from this 17-month-old and do the same.